2019: A Personal Reflection
Happy 2020, beautiful souls out there in cyberspace...
After several months of procrastination and a general lack of drive to do anything productive, here I am! To be completely honest, I still don't feel that zest for writing that I once had and part of me wonders if I'll even be confident in this piece enough to send it out into the world. I don't have the patience to write out a play-by-play of my past year (even if I did, it'd be pretty boring), so keep in mind these are quick, little recaps of whatever stands out to me. Free-write style. Whatever comes out, comes out. Beware. You're in for a scare.
(LOL! No, really, I'm just playing with ya -- nothing scary or disturbing. I just had to throw that Goosebumps slogan in there... don't know why.)
The Quest to Rebuild My Soft, Bendy Bones
Around last February or so, I finally completed a long overdue bone scan (think powerful X-ray), its' sole purpose to put into tangible numbers exactly how fragile my bones are and how likely a new fracture could occur. We were not particularly surprised by the results (I mean, I already broke the worst bone just by getting off a bedpan...like duh). Like expected, my bone density ranked 4 to 5 times below the average for people my age which clearly indicated an elevated potential that I would break something else eventually if we didn't intervene somehow. After weighing a couple of different options, my doctors decided that I needed to do the most aggressive treatment available for severe osteoporosis in an attempt to rebuild just a small amount of the bone I'd lost, though even with treatment, I would always be a high fracture risk. It was called Forteo and it had to be injected daily for 2 years, was fairly new and only officially tested/used on post-menopausal women with osteoporosis, and came with a whole list of shitty side effects and a cancer warning. I wasn't too nervous about being poked in the belly everyday (though I know my Mom was nervous about having to learn how to inject me), but I was internally freaking out about the array of potential side effects, especially after reading a bunch of horror stories online from other Forteo patients. Despite all of the negatives I've listed above, I decided I really didn't have a choice in the matter... I was, and still am, absolutely paranoid that my arm or my leg or my whatever is about to break and I am fairly certain that I can't physically or mentally handle that again (for reference, read my post, Bent and Broken). I needed to believe that I was reducing my risk factor, even if just a little bit. So, on April 27th, I had my first of many injections and started this new chapter in my existence.
Since starting this new medication, I have encountered more fatigue than I ever have before. I feel like many people assume that disabled folks always feel some sort of fatigue, but that has never been true for me prior to taking Forteo. Most days I feel zapped of energy and the general drive to do much of anything. (Probably why I stopped writing.) Oh, and the chronic bone pain! I can't forget about that, but that's impossible because it is almost constant, unless I medicate myself. It almost feels like someone is hammering or punching away at my joints and long bones, and besides hurting me, it just pisses me off because I have the urge to punch back lol. All of this wasn't a huge surprise because my doctor had mentioned it briefly, but it sucks and took some time to accept as my new 'normal'. Over the past several months of being on these injections, I have had to learn to be okay with not being as active as I once was... but I still find myself struggling with the feeling that I'm becoming this stereotypical 'unproductive, lazy cripple' (thank you, internalized ableism). I don't think I will ever fully be okay with not doing anything substantial with myself which is why this year, in order to keep myself from lying awake at night with the feelings of being useless, I intend to do something productive with some of my time (like writing this blog consistently). I know that I will continue to have my bad days where I'm wiped out and everything hurts, and I need to remember to be gentle with myself on those days... But on the good days, even if they are sporadic, when the pain is at a minimum and the 'old' version of Priscilla pops in for a visit... I mean to make the most of those days and do what I can.
Finding My Mental Balance: A Work in Progress
In the beginning of the year, I started a new antidepressant that helped me get out of the dark place I had been living in for most of 2018. It would be great if I could say that it completely fixed the problem, but my episodes of depression were never just simply a chemical imbalance. It's more complicated than that. It always is. But it has gotten better... I don't cry nearly as much, I find joy in simple things like playing a game or watching a show/movie/documentary, and most importantly, I don't actively want to leave this world on a daily basis. Some days, the sadness still creeps in and I find myself wondering why I was destined to exist in a shoddy body that doesn't easily allow me to live up to the dreams and hopes that I see in my head. Please don't misunderstand me... there are too many beautiful experiences and too much love bestowed upon me for me to ever hate my life (#BlessedLife), but still, sometimes I start comparing my life to what I see other people have (WRONG thing to do, I know!) -- careers, graduate degrees, best/good friends (Forrest Gump reference hehe), lovers/partners/whatever-the-f***-you-wanna-callems, and all that good stuff -- and I start sinking a little into that dark pit. Throughout the past year, I've learned to remind myself to stop comparing, to realize that we aren't all destined for the same things, for whatever reasons, and that it has nothing to do with our worth as human beings. I'm still learning to make peace with the idea that maybe I won't ever have any of the highlights mentioned earlier. Maybe I will. Who freaking knows! (I'm not holding my breath though...I literally can't lol.)
Either way, this year, I am making a conscious effort to focus on all the things that I do have, all the things that make me smile and laugh and give me that warm, fuzzy feeling in my tummy (like Disneyland and Taylor Swift and candy and doggie kisses and 'mac n cheese' and a bunch of other things). I have come to realize that, aside from the love from my Mom and grandparents which keeps me grounded to this life, whenever I start feeling less attached to to my existence, all I have to do is remind myself of all the (probably unrealistic) dreams I have (like making it to Disneyworld or meeting Taylor or being a guest on Ellen D.'s show) and I snap out of it real quick. Wanna know why? Because I know that as long as I keep pushing through life. there will always be potential that these dreams can actually happen one day. They can't happen if I'm dead. We all have our own ways of coping with the low points in life... this is just one of mine. Whatever works (as long as it's not detrimental to yourself or others), and this works pretty well for me.
2020 Goals -- The Shortest Section Here
There are a few things that I would like to accomplish this year. They aren't anything huge, but they're significant to me and I figure that if I write them down here, I might actually follow through with these promises to myself. We'll see.
1. Get back to reading more. Like a book a month. I've slacked off horribly. I love books and I want to become the diligent reader I once was.
2. Write more. Blog more actually. Even if nobody reads it or finds value in it. Do it because it's cleansing... it's freeing.
3. For the first time, go on an overnight trip without my mom or family. Not because I don't enjoy traveling with my Mom (I do!), but because I need and want to feel 28 years old. I want to feel like an adult, even if just for awhile.
Well... we've come to the end of our time together for today. If you're still reading this, thanks for sticking it out lol. You've read over 1400 words. Sorry about the length.
Until next time, sending you positive vibes for the new year!