I Don't Fit Here, There, or Anywhere!

Fitting in has never been a strong suit of mine. I suck at it, really. But at least I can admit that wholeheartedly.

I’ve always stuck out in a crowd and for most of my life, I truly thought my physical abnormalities were the cause of this. In reality, it has probably been the biggest barrier for me connecting with my peer group, or any group for that matter, but I was so sure this was always caused by the fact that most folks I’ve interacted with over the course of my life have not been disabled, or at least not visually disabled, resulting in me constantly feeling like I was the alien among ‘men’. People are still afraid of what they don’t understand so they tend to avoid it and pretend like it doesn’t exist. The ‘it’ being me. It’s an unfortunate reality, but it makes sense to me, so I’ve never questioned it too much. Every time I never got selected to be a part of a group project at school and resorted to doing it alone, I blamed it on my disability. Each time I listened and watched my peers (including my horde of same-aged cousins) chitter and chatter while I sat and yearned to be included, I blamed that on my disability, too.

I never felt like I ‘belonged’ with my peers…not in grade school, not in middle school or high school, not in youth groups, not anywhere that a kid should feel accepted and welcomed. But, the thing is, I always believed in the back of my mind that I would eventually find that place where I felt like I fit in perfectly, and I was sure that whatever that place might be, it would be filled with folks like me, folks who didn’t fit in the ‘normal’ box because of their disabilities. I think that the common perception out there is that people with disabilities have no problem connecting with each other because they’re all in the same boat and have shared experiences, and at some point in my life, I must have bought into this way of thinking. (I now recognize how utterly ridiculous this thinking is, not to mention completely false, but, like with anything, ya live and learn.)

Over the years as I’ve searched for ‘my place’ among people and sought out connections with people with disabilities, particularly physical ones, I have slowly come to realize that maybe I was mistaken in thinking that I would seamlessly blend in with this community just because we resemble each other physically. The truth is, I have had this nagging feeling since I was a teenager that I never ever wanted to be the stereotypical ‘disabled person’. I didn’t want to be seen as the average person in a wheelchair that just gets by in life, that is passive and goes with the grain of things, that doesn’t particularly excel academically or in any other way… I wanted to stand out and I wanted to be seen as an absolute ‘equal’ to my able-bodied counterparts. This was only achievable by going above and beyond what society expects from people like me, and I did, but simultaneously this has separated me from a large portion of the ‘disabled’ community. Let me give you a few examples to demonstrate what I’m saying here…

A) When I was entering high school, I was pressured to attend a specific high school where all students with physical and cognitive impairments were sent. The argument was that this particular school was the only that could accommodate my level of needs. But, being stubborn me, I refused and insisted that I attend whichever school I wanted because I didn’t particularly like how it felt like the school district was segregating students based on ability. While I don’t regret my decision at all, I likely deprived myself of building relationships with fellow disabled students.

B) At the time, I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling/doing, but I must have realized that people didn’t expect anything exceptional from me just because of my ‘defect’ and thus, that prompted me to prove myself to the extent that I would feel absolutely terrible if I received any grade below an ‘A’. I had this fear of being classified as developmentally delayed and honestly, I still do in a sense. It’s an automatic assumption made by a great deal of people when they see someone in a wheelchair or walker, and I wanted to distance myself from that label. (Note: I understand how this might sound to someone who is delayed, but it’s my truth and isn’t meant to say that they’re lesser than me.) It was this undercover anxiety that pushed me to apply for 4-year universities, and only 4-year universities. I was adamant that I would not attend a community college because I knew that was what was commonly expected for my folks. I was absolutely correct though… The number of students at UC Davis that were physically disabled while I attended were less than five. If you go to any 2-year college, you will see that number greatly increase. Obviously, we are not the ‘target-recruits’ for universities, but we are for 2-year institutions. Why do you think that is? (You have the answer if you’ve been following along so far.) Again, this choice put me on a very different path than many of the individuals with disabilities that I have encountered up until today. We have different experiences, different ways of looking at the world, and that has made it challenging to genuinely connect with the group I always thought I belonged in.

C) This one has nothing to do with academics, but it does show how I always seem to cause a stir with my atypical way of doing things, thus setting me outside the box of seemingly alike individuals. In case you weren’t aware already, I use a ventilator to breathe 24-hours a day, but I have chosen to use the ventilator through a mask that sits on my face instead of a tracheotomy (little hole in the throat connected to a tube connected to a ventilator). I have my reasons for doing it this way which I won’t go into now, but this is not the conventional way for people to receive breathing support if they require it around the clock. As I’ve become more involved with groups of people that have similar disorders to me, I have often become the ‘black-sheep’ because I go against what is true for most of them. I have been in heated debates with folks who can’t understand my way of doing things, and I have even been outright unfriended and shunned on social media. All this because I fail to stick to the well-trodden path of what is expected, and that sets me apart.

So, you see, I really am not great at fitting in. It’s like I’m allergic to the whole concept, and though I’ve always yearned for it, maybe there are humans that exist who truly don’t ‘belong’ with any particular group of people. Maybe there are people out there who can’t seem to connect with anyone on a deeper level, and we’re all just searching for each other. Maybe. But, maybe not. Or perhaps, I’m just a mess of faulty parts that weren’t connected properly. Because I don’t fit, I’ve never fit…not properly at least. I’m too much like a deformed Quasimodo to be ‘accepted’ by the masses of ‘walkers’ (not the zombie kind), but my brain is wired a bit too much like them to be truly comfortable with the folks who look like me.

Who knows? One day I might find my utopia where I feel practically perfect and wanted, but if not... There’s always dogs and this song from Disney’s Hercules!